Everyone has anxiety in one way or another. For some, it’s a rare occurrence like maybe a job interview. For others, like myself, it can feel as though it consumes your whole life.

Going to school or work is a dreaded and nerve-wracking task. Going to a party where you don’t really know anyone involves lots of planning and forethought about conversation. But the biggest, and most relevant to this blog site, is what goes into taking a trip by yourself to a different state to watch baseball.

Things were great as I looked at the schedules and picked out games to go to. I booked an Airbnb, got my car prepped with an oil change and tire rotation, and got my bags packed.

Then my crippling anxiety set in. The night before I was set to leave, I tossed and turned all night, a knot in my stomach.

The morning of, I nearly cried. I couldn’t eat. I was exhausted. I had work…

I took some medication and was feeling a little better. I talked to a coworker about random things and finally felt ok enough to eat.

A Hot Pocket and a Mountain Dew, the breakfast of champions. Also, the last thing I would eat for over 24 hours.

After I got off work, I headed out to fill up my gas tank and hit the road.

My nerves were poking through again, quite heavily, making me question the “every 12 hours as necessary” statement on my medication.

I had made this drive before, but always with other people, which had made my anxiety almost non-existent.

I turned on my music, a nine-hour playlist I had created especially for this trip, turned on the a/c, and headed down the I-10.

My feelings of nausea and anxiety would ebb and flow. Sometimes I would be hungry and the next minute, I was ready to pull over and, uh, relieve my stomach.

I eventually made it to Camelback Ranch after sitting in some traffic, no stops necessary.

As I walked through the familiar space, I began to feel a little better. I smiled to myself a lot, proud for having made it out to Arizona, on my own, for the first time ever.

I took my seat and filled in the blanks in my scorebook. Then things started going south again. My stomach rolled whenever I smelled food, but as the crowds dissipated towards the end of the evening, things got better again.

I was freezing my butt off but enjoying the sound of the ball meeting the wooden bats, the voice of the umpire, and the fact that I was in a stadium seat.

I left feeling better about things and ready for the next day.

I took more of my medication as I woke up feeling anxious again. I wanted to sleep in more than usual to make up for the night before and had done quite well, but after some time, it became impossible.

I donned my Chase Utley jersey and packed a bag for my second spring training game and headed out.

I wandered around the facility, taking pictures and looking for familiar faces. I didn’t see anyone I knew, but my stomach was grumbling, which meant I was finally hungry again!

I got a pretzel and went to my seat, the same from the night before.

I ate about half of it, then called it quits as the game started. Throughout the game, I could tell I was feeling a lot better than I had been the night before. Maybe it was a good night’s sleep, or the fact that I was again at a baseball game.

It was a great game and afterwards, I even saw some people I knew, which helped me out a lot.

After changing my clothes and waiting for the dust in the parking lot to settle a little, I immediately headed for Peoria to see former Dodgers Kyle Farmer, Matt Kemp, Yasiel Puig, and (sigh) Manny Machado. I was feeling good yet again and happy to be in my front row seat.

This was my third game in two days, and I couldn’t be happier!

…or so I thought. Kyle Farmer hit a triple in his first at bat of the night and I couldn’t have been happier, for real this time.

As I sit and write this back at my Airbnb, I realize how silly it is for me to be so nervous about something so simple, but at the time, it certainly doesn’t feel that way.

Anxiety has been a part of my life for pretty much all of it, but I didn’t always know it had a name. I honestly hate that I have it so badly, but I’m slowly finding ways to cope with it. The best way so far has been baseball.

It calms me, because no matter where I’m watching, it’s something I know I can rely on. The players and fields may change, but the game itself doesn’t.

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